“A Catholic Reading the Bible One Chapter at a Time”…. I Didn’t Have My Teacher Today

On today’s edition of “A Catholic Reading the Bible One Chapter at a Time”…. I didn’t have my teacher today. 

 And I was left alone to research and figure things out. Y’all— that’s the definition of the blind leading the blind.

This morning my friend Leigh asked “what was a season in your life that you look back on now and realized it was hard but changed you for the better?” When I answered, she said, “God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.” And at 6am, I got a pen: “find  verse  about  qualifications  and  callings .”

Fun Fact #1836: It’s not a verse.  It’s a quote from a book. 

There was only one thing I could do: find out what verse it was pulled from.  Y’all- without a teacher guiding me through the tabs of this book and asking (“um, New or Old?”) it took a while.  I kept being directed to this passage: 1 Corinthians 1:27-29. Maybe I’m wrong  Maybe it’s a combination of the 3 on that sticky note? I’m not sure.

But it got me thinking about “the boring parts I’m having to read to understand the whole picture.” I just finished Genesis.  First time through and there is A LOT in there. Including…. A lot of people. 

And these people are the people from which my people (and all y’all) come from… and more importantly: Jesus. And in terms of “qualified”— their resumes were lacking.

Some folks I met:
 Adam & Eve: Started “Sin” in fact
 Abraham: Liar
 Sarah: A “if you want something done…”
 Isaac: Didn’t handle pressure very well
 Leah: Desperate for love & attention
 Rachel: Super competitive
 Esau: A bit dramatic with the stew
 Jacob: Kinda greedy and self-centered
 Dan: Oh Dan… I had high hopes for Dan.

And I had already met Peter, James and John.  The three of them were asked to just stay awake and watch His six while Jesus prayed… and they couldn’t keep their eyes open despite His pleas. And Peter in general? The most awkward of humans. 

BUT… these are the people that were “called” by God. These were the imperfect and unqualified ragamuffins that God said, “Do this” and they did. And… He made it possible for them to do it because (looks at sticky notes : “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13)

So if you’re still with me, y’all (thank you ): “God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called” is not a Bible verse BUT rather a statement that embodies a majority of the message of this Book. So maybe I feel like I have NO IDEA why in my season of life I discussed today- I decided to jump careers and work in disaster response/public safety. I’m not qualified. But I was definitely called. So while super awkward like Peter (I mean— Mark 9:5, y’all) and a bit competitive (and impatient) like Rachel… I was called too.

And I guess I just have to trust that He knows what he is doing because it’s very obvious… that I don’t  But I’m trying to follow where He leads. 

Thanks for walking with me y’all. 

“A Catholic Reading the Bible One Chapter at a Time”... It's Not About a Coat!

So “A Catholic reading the Bible one chapter at a time” update… Y’all. Between a musical I’m quite certain my sister starred in at one point that I never attended and Dolly Parton’s Mom sewing a patchwork coat of many colors: I think I had a pretty unclear understanding of Joseph in Genesis. “So he had a magic jacket. Got it. Noted. Put that in the box of things I know about the Bible.” 

Fun Fact: The jacket/coat/robe— that’s not the main storyline. (I’m sure y’all knew that but in case you didn’t…. Spoiler alert). Talk about going through a tough time and leaning on faith alone to get you through it.

His brothers sell him 
They tell his Dad that he is dead 
He’s in prison without committing a crime 
There is no timeline for his freedom 
His jacket was not actually magical nor technicolor 

He is going through trials and tests— again and again— betrayal, deceit, temptation, heartbreak, injustice, solitude… and there is God right by his side for the whole journey. He doesn’t stop the bad things from happening. He just walks through them with Joseph. He has his six despite everything that is crumbling around Joseph and He has a plan— that only time, HIS time— will reveal. Joseph doesn’t give up on his faith or his belief that his dreams would come true one day.

I’m not sure how this story ends (I’m getting there— it’s a long story and I don’t want to skip ahead)… but if you haven’t read it: 5 out of 5 ’s. 

Highly recommend. First time reader. Will definitely be back. 

The Cactus Flower

The first time I visited Texas, I was beyond shocked that a cactus was an actual plant. I was stunned to see them in front yards, on sidewalks, and on roadways. I even made my sister take a photo of me standing in front of one so that I could prove it was real to my friends back in Nashville. "Look at what they have in Texas. This is crazy, right? These are real, I swear!" 

October 2012

Then I moved to Texas and I learned that a cactus is very real. And pretty much everywhere you look. Their presence became less of an excitement but more of a daily sight. And the enthusiasm I had in seeing them throughout the landscape dwindled as life pushed me to admire their beauty less and take on their characteristics more. With every failure, closed door, and broken heart I put my guard up. You're always told to look at a cactus but never touch. And that's exactly what I did. I never let anything get too close. And if I let my guard down and they did: one of us was getting hurt. They say that the cactus flower signifies the loneness of the desert. And as someone that was more content alone- safeguarding those around me from my flaws, faults, shortcomings and failures- I was more like a cactus than I ever thought. And I held this ideology for a long time. It became a part of who I was and I didn't even know it. 

Then, one bitterly cold February morning in Fort Worth, time stopped at 6:13AM on a frozen interstate. 

I can't talk about that day. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But... that day was a turning point. That day was life changing. That day broke me. I became a shell of a human. I looked in the mirror and I didn't know who I was or what the reflection was supposed to be looking back at me. I was numb. I was deafened by silence. I couldn't sit with my own thoughts because they haunted me. And I couldn't close my eyes because what I saw broke me even more. I began to tread water that I could not stay afloat in. I was drowning. And one night on a walk... I realized I was not alone. We were both broken. The mighty cactus that lined my street did not make it through February either. She was laying down. Damaged. Lifeless. And clearly needing help. 

March 2021

I wasn't sure how much longer I was going to last in the state that I was in. I couldn't sleep because I was crawling out of my skin with anxiety. I wouldn't eat because that's the only thing I felt I was in control of in my life. I put on a brave face for others and showed up where I needed to be and did what I needed to do but I was lying. Every day. Until the day I worked up the courage to say, "I am not ok." And I wrote that on a piece of paper and handed it to the Fire Department Chaplain. 

And he passed me a note later that day and said, "How can I help you?" And for the VERY first time in my life, I turned down therapy, more medication to numb me further, and a treatment plan. To my own surprise, I asked: "Can I talk with you?" And without hesitation... he agreed. 

The conversations we had were honest. They were tough. They were ones that will always stay between us. But as I talked to him, I felt the prickles and spines I had covered myself in as a shield to protect me were too weak. And he handed me a book to read. One we would read together as I had never read it. As I had always thought "I understand this and don't need to read it." But a book I had no knowledge of whatsoever. 

He handed me the Bible. 

And on April 9th, I began a journey- one chapter at a time- trying to find a new path to understand the things I truly could not understand. The things I had tried to handle with quick fixes and coping techniques that were neither healthy nor fulfilling. Whether a failed engagement in the wake of a police massacre on my birthday in Dallas, a Hurricane so large it brought thousands to a shelter in Fort Worth that drained me, to the man with a gun in a Walgreens, to the virus that took my Grandmother and did it's best to try to take me too. And finally to that frozen interstate with 135 lives forever changed. I turned to running. I turned to my eating disorder. I turned to unhealthy and unsafe ways to cope with pain and confusion. 

But for the first time ever, I opened this book to find a way to cope with the pain. And the words I was being introduced to had been there for thousands of years. I just didn't want to listen to them in totality. I now had someone praying for me every morning to understand the words I was hearing and asking God to help him guide me where I needed to go with each new chapter we choose. 

I felt myself filling the deafening silence with words of affirmation. I closed my eyes and tried to replace images of carnage with images of miracle that happened that day on I-35. 

And then I took that walk once more. And I was overcome with emotion. The cactus was alive. Blooming with flowers. Standing tall again and bright green with life. 

May 2021

The roots of the cactus withstood the frozen February nightmare. She fought through and came out on the other side. Despite the disaster that essentially brought her to her knees and the event that tried to forbid her from rising tall once again- the cactus bloomed. And in looking at her beauty, I cried. She defied the odds. 

And I was going to do the same come hell or high water. I was going to find the strength in the words that had been placed before me in a book that's saved lives and entire civilizations. I was going to come out on the other side. 

I was introduced to the song, "Look What You've Done" by Tasha Layton. And every word rang true. "The lies I believe... they've got some roots that run deep. I let them take a hold of my life and I let them take control of my life. Standing in your presence, Lord, I can feel you digging all my roots up. I feel you healing all my wounds up. I thought I was broken, but now I see- you were breaking new ground inside of me. Look what you've done." 

The roots I had planted firmly in the ground telling me that I was not strong enough to handle the pain of tragedy and trauma on my own. That I was not good enough to be forgiven for the coping mechanisms I used to process the pain. These roots held me down and told me I was completely broken. That I did not stand a chance to once again stand up and say to someone, "I'm going to be ok." With every page I read- side by side with this invaluable friend that answered every question and clarified every hesitation I had about the words I was reading- my wounds were very slowly healing. I was broken but I was broken with purpose. 

He, with the capital "H", was making me come to Him in my time of weakness and complete despair and say, "I need you." And new ground was was planted inside of me. With every verse, I was starting to see my reflection in the mirror more and I was starting to feel that the control I had lost of my life in the wake of witnessing such devastation was being given to Him. 

And I was slowly starting to stand back up and show life again. I was smiling and it was not forced. I was feeling things and I was not needing to hold people a safe distance away from me because all of the times I had told myself about not being enough, not being strong enough, not being worthy enough... were lies. 

June 2021

So with at least a thousand pages to go, I am far from ending this journey any time soon. But I can drive down I-35 and hold my breath yet know that He is with me. And I can speak to the families of the victims without a trembling voice knowing that He is with them. And I can find strength in my weakest moments when I feel lifeless because He gives me the strength I need when I can't do it on my own. 

While the cactus flower may signify the loneness of the desert it also signifies strength. Since it blooms in harsh conditions, cactus flowers also symbolize the power of enduring all things, no matter how hard they are. The days following that frozen morning in February were some of the darkest days I have ever lived through. The conditions were harsh. The heart was broken. There was confusion and anger. There was no light and there was no hope. 

And then I opened a book. 

"Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love." 1 Corinthians 16:13.

And these words I will follow because while my heart may be a cactus, it no longer strives to keep people at a distance to protect them from my flaws, faults and failures. It is strong, overcoming and capable of all things through Him who gives me strength.

A Catholic Reading the Bible for the First Time.

I'm a Catholic Reading the Bible. 

I’m incredibly new to this journey and I’m learning so much every single day. (Don’t ask me to explain things— I’m still at the novice level!) 

I’ve been reading this book for almost 2 months. Just a little bit every day. And there is a phenomenal mentor and friend that is helping me understand it— making me push myself outside of my comfort zone, open my mind (and heart), and ask tough questions. And all during a pretty difficult time. It’s definitely a journey. 

BUT y’all: did you know that this line is in there? This line. This is a good line. 

These are good words. 

This could be my favorite sentence so far. 

So just in case you’re reading this for the first time too— read this part. It’s a really good one. And if you’ve read this a million times— read this line again. 

I think I may write about this Book a bit more as I read it I'm not sure what I am going to find inside but I'll let y'all know. 

The Year I Ran the Year... 2020.

July 26, 2020

“Wearing a mask is the equivalent of the government ushering you into a rail car.” And “COVID is a government hoax.” These are the memes that I see and the commentary I read when I’m laying in bed at midnight. Day 8. When the thought of lifting my head off the pillow exhausts me but the idea of falling asleep seems impossible because my body hurts so badly. Knowing all too well the virus: it’s very real.

Here’s my only advice for everyone... especially those saying “it’s my body”:

Know your normal body temperature. 

Know your normal oxygen level.

Know your normal pulse rate.

Know your normal fluid intake.

Take a moment now to learn what your body is when it’s “normal”....

Because if you get this virus- the one that makes you go from running 5 miles a day to trying to catch your breath because you simply stood up-you’ll need to know all those stats. Because your body won’t be yours anymore. And you’ll wish you had taken a moment to document what “normal” was because the “new normal” is a nightmare. And you just want to wake up. But you’re in so much pain you pray you just fall asleep.

July 30, 2020

There are a lot of unanswered messages and unreturned calls on my phone and for that I do apologize. I had intentions of posting an update on social media but there’s only so much social media you can handle when everyone is arguing over how to “cure” the “fake” virus you’re currently battling yourself.

Everyone is experiencing COVID differently. Thankfully I have moved forward from IV fluids, the inability to leave my bed and a high temperature. I’ve had a couple of setbacks this week but I’m working on it. Fatigue, shortness of breath, body aches/inflammation and a sore throat are what have decided to stick around (which means I don’t have a voice).

I’m following doctor’s instructions. I’m doing as I’m told. And there is nothing that I currently need.... except to have everyone take a time out real quickly. Remember that while you rip each other to shreds over a pandemic that has the country deeply divided— there are REAL people actually battling the virus you speak of as a conspiracy, joke or a political ploy.

And those that have it can do nothing but sit inside all alone— isolated from everyone they love— and try to get better. All the while knowing the world outside is fighting OVER the virus they’re just trying TO fight.

August 4, 2020

Today is the first day in about 2.5 weeks that I’m feeling like a human again. The symptoms that remain will be around for a while (and I’m coming to terms with that). Today I took another test (at Dickies Arena) and was able to see the faces of some of my favorite people that I have been on this Covid journey with since Day 1 but haven’t seen or worked with in over 3 weeks. It was only through a car window but nonetheless seeing them reminded me that we still have the best of the best working around the clock to keep the people of Fort Worth safe.

Many of you have asked to know the details of my experience (how I was exposed, symptoms, treatments, etc.) and I promise I’ll share all of that one day when I’m back to my normal self. I think I need to process the whole thing first.

Today though I look at my running shoes that I haven’t worn in 3 weeks. I know running isn’t in my future for a while but walking (slowly) is. So on the first day I’m feeling human again... I’m putting these shoes on and I’m walking to the stop sign.

It may not even register on my FitBit but it’s a start. Today I may not meet any of the personal goals I set for myself for 2020... but I can say that I’m on my way to beating Covid.

And that’s a goal I’m really lucky to meet. 💛

September 6, 2020

Back in June I registered for a virtual 5K that the Yankees were sponsoring. The proceeds went to local New York City non-profits helping to support those battling COVID. At the time my heart hurt thinking of all of the elderly sitting alone in a City that is usually filled with so much life and movement but had become so lonely and desolate. I saw the footage of nurses and doctors overwhelmed... families unable to be with their loved ones as they passed away from the virus... and funerals not being held because it wasn’t safe to gather with family. My heart went out to those at the epicenter of the pandemic. It was the least I could do— run a 5k. 

But then I got the virus myself and running a race became out of the question and the race came and went. Today though, I made the decision to walk the whole 5k. Because exactly what prompted me to register for the race months ago is the reality our family is living right now. 😕 I promised her I would beat Covid and I would be ok.... so this one was for you Grandma. 

I didn’t break any records (except for possibly slowest time ever) but I did it. And I wish I had the chance to tell you that I came through on my promise. You were the personification of “New York” so it only seems right. 🤍💙

December 20, 2020

“I have to get my miles in.”

Anyone who interacts with me regularly has heard those 7 words multiple times since January 1st. I set out to complete 2,020 miles in 2020 and as someone who is not the strongest math student, I don’t think I knew what I was actually signing up for in December 2019. And of all the years to run.... I picked 2020.

Dierks Bentley sings “Every Mile a Memory” and honestly that has a whole new meaning to me this year.

There were the miles on the treadmill in the gym late at night wearing sunglasses so no one could see my “exercise band incident” black eyes.

There were the miles in February walked in circles around the EOC wearing a heart monitor trying to figure out what made my heart rate spike while reading a briefing on this “Coronavirus situation” in Washington.

There was the absolute panic of gyms closing in March and beginning to work 16+ hours a day so my miles were put in at random hours around my house. In circles. In isolation.

There were the miles as the temperatures started to rise that felt like the concrete below me was melting.

Then there were no miles. Weeks of staring at the finisher’s medal hanging by the front door (ironically next to the IV bags) wondering if I would ever be able to put it on. If I could even earn it this year.

Then running turned to walking. Slowly. 🐢

The first trip from the porch to the driveway. Then the driveway to the stop sign. (And panting)

The first 10,000 step in one day again.

The first 5K I did after hanging up the phone with my siblings. I walked with tears streaming down my face cursing Covid. She pleaded with us to let her “go”... and we told her we loved her and it was ok.

The “I’m so angry at a boy” miles on the high school track after work and the “these two little boys mean the world to me” miles in Oklahoma holding their hands.

And 12/20/20 on Trinity Trail. 👊🏻 2,020 miles.

And every mile a memory of a year I never want to relive but never will forget.

Thank you to everyone that joined me on the phone... that pushed me to keep going when I said, “I’m too tired”... and to those of you who thought I was crazy but walked along from afar with me anyway 💛

Dear Alaina...

It's official. You're a girl. Being the Aunt to your brothers has been absolutely one of the biggest joys of my life. And when your Daddy hit that baseball and the burst of pink powder filled the air my heart was overwhelmed. Because that pink meant there was going to be a little girl. And you and I share something in common that I want to talk to you about even though you're not here yet.

You don't know it but you're being born into two families. One is your Mommy, Daddy, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and a whole bunch of people who you share a family tree with. The other is a family that is so incredibly large I can't begin to introduce you to them all. But you'll learn that this family is a part of who you are just because of a certain someone. And let me tell you a little about what you can expect... because, you see, you and I share this special bond. 

Your Daddy is a policeman. 

Your Daddy has a job like no other job. And it is going to take a little to get used to but I promise that in time you will understand. 

You will understand that every day when he walks out the door he is not going to an office. He is not wearing a suit and tie. He is wearing a uniform with a silver shield on the front of it. When he goes to work he has one goal: to keep the city he swore to protect safe from the bad guys. That means he is the person who puts himself in the middle of the danger or in harm's way to keep people safe. He will also make sure they're going the speed limit, keeping their music at a reasonable decibel level and minding those red octagons on the side of the road. But every day your Daddy puts on that uniform, that belt, that badge and he walks out the door to keep people safe. 

That sounds pretty awesome, huh? 

Let's chat. 

In a way you will wear that badge too. You won't be out protecting people or catching the bad guys but you will "serve" in your own way. And I want to make sure that you know... some days it is really hard. I wish I could promise you that it gets easier as you get older but trust me when I say it doesn't. You just learn that this is a part of who you are and you learn to be proud. 

Your Daddy isn't going to make it to all your softball games. Your Daddy isn't going to make it to every Thanksgiving Dinner or Christmas morning. And sometimes he may miss your birthday. It's not because he doesn't love you- oh sweet girl trust me that he loves you! But it's because the people need him out there to keep him safe. And he made a promise to those people that he would protect them. And the bad guys don't know you have a spelling bee or that it's your 13th birthday. You can feel disappointed but know that he wishes he could be there. 

Speaking of spelling bees. When I was in first grade I made it to the State Spelling Bee. (Your Aunt is a little bit of a nerd). I was so excited. I was sitting on stage and I looked out into the audience and I saw my Mommy but my Daddy wasn't in the seat next to her. I didn't win the Spelling Bee ("balloon" is a lot harder to spell than it appears) but I was more upset that my Daddy wasn't there. And when I found out he was at work while I was trying to win the Spelling Bee I was even more angry. So when he got home I told him that I was so mad and I yelled at him. He said he was sorry and that he had to help a little girl. But I didn't care. I thought that he must of loved that little girl more than he loved me to skip my competition to be with her. I didn't understand. 

I didn't see the exhaustion in his face. I didn't see the hurt he had when I said those mean words. I didn't think about what he had done that day and maybe if it had been really hard on him. And he didn't tell me for a really long time what "helping a little girl" really meant. But when he did tell me that day no longer was "The Day my Daddy didn't go to my Spelling Bee." That day was "The Day my Daddy saved a little girl's life." You see this little girl had a mommy who wasn't very nice. She didn't give this little girl who was about 4 years old a lot of love or food. And she broke a lot of rules. So my Daddy went to her house and took that little girl away from the mean mommy. And the little girl was going to go to a new house where she would get a lot of love but she was really hungry. So instead of leaving work and coming to my Spelling Bee my Daddy took this little girl to McDonald's. And she ate a Happy Meal and then ate my Daddy's food too. This little girl didn't know my Daddy but she saw the shield on his uniform and she knew that she was finally safe. That's a pretty special Daddy to have, right? 

You have one of those too. And your Daddy has helped so many little kids and given so much of his energy to making people safer. He is really good at that job. But we need to talk about what happens when Daddy isn't able to make people safe. When unfortunately it's just too late. 

Your Daddy is going to come home and he is going to be really quiet. He may even look really angry or mad but I promise you he is not mad at you. You didn't do anything wrong. He will try so hard to leave those sad feelings at the front door but a lot of times they follow him inside. He is going to want a hug but then he is going to want some quiet time. He may not want to eat dinner. And your Mommy may look at him... tell him that she loves him... and then take you and your brothers into another room. At first your Mommy is going to help you know when Daddy has had a bad day. But you will learn. And you will know that on those days giving him his space is actually loving him a lot when he really needs that extra love. It won't always be like that though. There are days Daddy will come home and it would be just another day. Soak those days up. Laugh and be silly and hug him as much as you can. But know sometimes when he comes home his heart hurts and his eyes have seen things he wants to make sure you never see. 

Your Daddy will be your hero. You are going to think that he hung the moon and that he is the strongest, bravest, smartest man in the whole world. And you know what? He is. 

But there is one thing I want you to know about your Daddy that is super hard for girls like you and me to understand: Not everyone likes your Daddy. And they say really, really bad things about him. They will call your Daddy names. They will yell at your Daddy and sometimes they will threaten to hurt him. And I know that doesn't make sense and that it is also really scary to hear. Because your Daddy is your hero... how can anyone not like him? He helps people right? He misses Spelling Bee Championships to save little girls. He misses dinner because there was a little boy who needed his hand held after a car accident. He spent money he was saving up for something nice to buy a refrigerator for an old man who couldn't afford one for his medicine and Daddy was trying to help him stay safe. How can people not like him? 

In this world there are good and bad people. And some times those lines are not so clear and they are confusing. That second family I told you that you are going to have now? That's your Thin Blue Line family. That's the men and women like your Daddy who wear the uniform and badge and do what your Daddy does every day. You are a part of that family now. And it's a special one to be a part of because those police officers will always have your back and will always take care of you. But sometimes a bad police officer gets in the way. And people will think all police officers are bad. That is not true sweet girl. They are going to say things to hurt your Daddy but I know those words will hurt you too. Trust me when I say that I have heard those words... I have read those mean comments... I have seen the hatred and I have watched that Thin Blue Line family hurt very badly. They feel the pain of their community when bad cops do bad things. They cry too but they are REALLY good at hiding that pain. They don't want to be called those bad names or have people try to hurt them. But it's a part of wearing that badge on their chest. 

I need you to know that by being his daughter you will hear those words and you will be scared. You will think the worst and you will hope for the best. You will see your Mommy look at her phone a little more and she will turn off the news. You will see that Daddy doesn't talk about being a policeman when he isn't at home and I know that's confusing because you want to scream it loudly and proudly. It doesn't make a lot of sense now but hopefully one day it will. 

Sweet Alaina you are being born into a role that you don't know about yet. But you will learn. You're going to be different from the other kids. And trust me when you're finally allowed to date you'll see just how different that is too. But you're being born into a family where you will learn the importance of saying "I love you" every day. You will learn respect and discipline. You will learn that the roots of our Thin Blue Line family are five generations deep. One day we will talk about a Tuesday morning in September. One day we will talk about how a birthday dinner ended in Dallas. I promise to hold your hand and teach you everything I know about the life you are being born into... 

Because your Daddy is my brother. 

Your Grandpa is my Daddy. 

Your Great-Grandpa was my Grandpa. 

And they are policemen.