My Not-So-Imaginary Imaginary Friend.

Throughout the entire span of your life the person you will spend the most time with, despite siblings, parents, friendships, careers, marriages, and children is: yourself. To many homebodies and introverts this is great news. For extroverts and social butterflies this is surprising news. And if you're anything like me it's disappointing news as the most exhausting person you spend your time with is: yourself. Because at a very early age you were given an imaginary friend that isn't so imaginary. The two of you grew up together influencing each other's actions and behaviors and making decisions based off of each other. But over time you realized just how out of control this imaginary person could get. How no matter what you did to calm her down or convince her to make rational thoughts she rarely listened. And only when she's sound asleep- unconscious really- are you ever truly at peace.

She first showed up when I was in elementary school. I remember thinking I had plenty of time to finish a book report. She said, "No you don't and if you don't do it right now you will fail." So I rushed to complete the assignment early to ensure I didn't miss the non-existent early deadline that was created in unfounded fear. In middle school she kept me awake at night for hours on end. She would tell me that I couldn't fall asleep because everyone was going to fall asleep before me and (for some unknown reason) that was not ok. She made me fear bedtime and I never attended a sleepover with friends out of an irrational fear of not falling asleep. I remember visiting a sleep specialist in 5th grade who was adamant that a child could not suffer from insomnia. Hold my juice box doc because you're in for a medical treat. In high school she loved to remind me that I wouldn't get into college without straight A's, that my teeth would change back once I took my braces off, that everyone was watching me when I walked by commenting on my weight and that the best way to handle any stress, fear or change in my life was to stop eating. She was incredibly convincing for a 17 year old that was easily influenced and didn't react well to events that changed her life. On the morning of September 11, 2001, I looked at her and said, "You were right about everything." And she immediately took the wheel and dictated what I thought and when I thought it.

Her name is Anxiety. And I truly don't remember a time in my life when she wasn't around. In a world comprised of memes and over-generalizations, the word "anxiety" is thrown around a lot. It's downplayed and it's trivialized. It's said in such a colloquial manner that it's severity and the impact it has on those that have it is lost in the public perception. But the reality of anxiety is that when it's personified is like having a small toddler following you around at all times. The toddler is moody, irrational, demanding, flippant and stressful. This toddler isn't the cute kind that sings silly songs or tells stories. No. This is the toddler that has had the world completely turned inside out because it asked for a purple cup but was given a blue cup. It's the toddler you're peeling off the tile floor of Target because you told her she couldn't buy that toy. Despite all attempts to explain simple logic she refuses to listen. And she is just manipulative enough that she will get you to believe things you would never believe otherwise. She knows it's best to make her move to get what she wants when you're at your wits end. She waits for those moments and seizes those opportunities. And when you're at your weakest she is at her strongest. And trying to keep her in line and make sure she behaves is absolutely exhausting. Just when you think she's in check though, behaving and playing nicely, you realize that she has been quiet too long and her silence means it's just a matter of time until she reveals herself in a monumental way.

Anxiety likes to play the childhood game of telephone. She hears what she wants to hear when spoken to and translates it back the way she thinks it could have been stated. For example:

Friend: "Hey! I got your message but I'm working late tonight. I wish I could get together. Do something fun without me!"

Me: "Oh. Well that sucks. Working late sucks. Not seeing my friend sucks. Let me send her a quick text to say, 'No problem! We'll try again soon!' Then I will just reschedule."

Anxiety: "She doesn't want to see you."

Me: "Say what now?"

Anxiety: "She's not working late. She just doesn't want to see you. Did you see that she didn't use any emojis in her text? And there were only two exclamations points. She's mad at you."

Me: "She's not mad at me. She didn't say she was mad at me. I didn't do anything."

Anxiety: "Yes you did."

Me: "No I didn't and I know what you're trying to do and I won't fall for it. Stop it."

Anxiety: "She's mad at you. Watch. She'll cancel the next time too. Might as well not even ask her for a next time because you'll be told no and that will be embarrassing, right? She's gone."

Me: "I will ask her again. I'm not worried that she'll say no. I don't think I'm worried-- No. You're doing it again. She is not mad at me. She's busy. You're making this up."

Anxiety: "Or am I?"

Me: "Or are you?"

Anxiety: "I win."

And just like that a problem that never existed-- and has no reason to exist-- has come into existence from the inner workings on my mind thanks to my unwanted life long imaginary friend. What a pal. 

How do you explain these conversations that happen in your head to people that you love and care about and that you know love and care about you? How do you tell them that the crippling fear you feel in asking a simple question like, "Are we doing dinner for Thanksgiving?" seems completely irrational to most but is rooted in your personal anxiety driven mantra: On my honor I will try to serve God and my country, to help people at all times, to not be a burden to someone, to not be an inconvenience to someone, to not get in the way, to not set myself up for disappointment, to not be a disappointment, to please everyone and to live by the Anxiety Girl's law. 

Anxiety is the definition of circular reasoning. Simply by her presence I make the things I don't want to happen... happen. I create problems that would never have existed and I develop crises that never would have come to fruition if not for my mind creating them. Let's look at an example, shall we?

Kristen: "I should probably call and see if they want to get together tomorrow. I know they just got back but I don't know if we're getting together or not. I don't want to wait until the last minute."

Anxiety: "If you text them now you'll be bothering them. They're tired and probably don't want to be bothered."

Kristen: "But if I don't ask then I won't know if we're making plans or not. I need to ask them so I know what I'm doing tomorrow."

Anxiety: "Oh, Kristen. You're solo tomorrow. Yeah. You're not going to have plans because they don't want to see you. They mentioned weeks ago that tomorrow may not work. So what makes you think that they changed their mind? Give them their space and time. They'll reach out to you when they want to see you but if you do it then you're bothering them."

Kristen: "I see what you're saying but I feel like I'm making a bigger issue if I just assume rather than ask."

Anxiety: "You'll make an even bigger issue if you ask and bother them. You know you're probably assuming correctly. Don't inconvenience people with your insecurity. It's unsettling."

Kristen: "You're right. If they want to see me they'll reach out. I won't say anything because they don't want to be bothered."

Fast forward... 

Friend: "Hey! Didn't hear from you so I guess we're not getting together and you're busy. We'll try again some other time. Bye!"

(Everyone please welcome to the stage our guest "Problem That Never Needed to be in Existence") 

Kristen: "Wait. What? I didn't say anything because I didn't want to bother them or be a burden. Now they think I didn't want to see them? And now I don't get to see them? When do I see them again now?"

Anxiety: "Not only were you going to be a burden but now you have no plans (and could have) AND they're also mad at you. Great work."

Kristen: "What just happened?"

When you're given your imaginary little toddler so early in life you're given enough therapy over the years to know the signs and symptoms of when she is at her worst. And it's usually when you're not at your best. There are certain triggers that make Anxiety even more brutal than usual. These triggers can take many forms but the one thing they have in common is that they break you down enough to let your guard against Anxiety down just enough that she starts to make sense. That her usual temper tantrum laced antics suddenly don't seem too irrational. You're just exhausted enough to see common sense in her thought process. And it's in these weak moments that you risk it all because you're defenseless against her and the friends she brings along with her when she's ready to really fight.

Her side kicks? Well there's Sensitivity. That's the one she brings that makes sounds louder and lights brighter. Sounds take on an almost deafening tone where even the smallest bird chirp makes you crawl out of your skin with frustration because you can't hear past that one noise. The lights around you are brighter making you want to just close your eyes to shield yourself from the glare. There's Gravity that comes along when Anxiety is in full force. Gravity's only job is to make your heart race and your feet to be unsteady. It does this by making you feel like you were going down a flight of stairs but missed the bottom two. You know that "heart-skips-a-beat-I-almost-face-planted-but-I-think-I'm-ok-but-maybe-not" feeling you get when you miss those steps? Gravity's job is to make sure that you feel that... but continuously. Without a break. And without feeling like your feet are firmly placed back on the ground even though you never actually tripped. There's Claustrophobia ("Claus" for short) which packs a mean punch when brought to the party. When Anxiety invites Claus the whole room starts to close in around you. Physically there is nothing happening and nothing is moving but somehow Claus makes you feel like the walls around you are closing in and it's getting harder to breathe as they get closer and closer to your outstretched arms trying to stop them. And to close out her posse she brings along Anger. And not just any anger but the kind that is inappropriately directed at people that didn't do anything or even worse people who are trying to help. On the sidelines, ready to hop in whenever needed, are Fatigue, Insomnia, and Agitation all stretched out and limber in case their number is called. And off to the side is Anxiety just laughing as her friends make you cringe at noise, fall without taking a step, hold your breath while you feel you can't breathe and lash out at those that care about you because she gains so much joy in your pain. She sees you struggling to explain why you're acting the way you're acting or feeling the way you're feeling and she just smiles. Because despite her existence with you daily in little quirks and annoyances it's the big moments- the "Anxiety Attacks" as she so creates- that are her favorite. The ones that she knows will cause the most harm to you and the ones you love. The ones that make you question what is wrong with you and why you are the way you are.

When you attempt to explain Anxiety to your friends and family it's nearly impossible. How was I-- as a child-- going to tell my family that I deliberately woke them up at night when I couldn't sleep because I had an irrational fear of people falling asleep before me? There is nothing in the history of humanity that says, "If you're the last person in the family to fall asleep you will not live to see 20." Nothing. I never feared for my life but I was terrified. And when those sleep specialists wanted to know what made me so terrified to sleep as an 11 year old kid I didn't have answers from them. I just had the lines on a piece of paper that a machine attached to my head was creating when they said, "And now you're going to go to sleep." How do I explain something that I don't understand myself? At 11 years old I knew I had something that followed me around and made things very difficult but I didn't know it was Anxiety and I didn't know then that it was there for life.

The two of us attempt to coexist. She's always present and she is always ready to jump into action when the opportunity presents itself. One of Anxiety's favorite hobbies is to make sure I never forget. She holds the remote to press play on all the videos in my mind of events that have happened in my lifetime. Rarely does she pick my favorite memories like becoming an aunt or watching the Yankees in the Bronx. No, Anxiety has her own Greatest Hits that she loves to put on repeat. Right about the time my head hits the pillow she hits "play" and I go through the thoughts she thinks I should relive at that particular moment. At first she started simple with videos from failed middle school dances and wardrobe malfunctions. Then she matured with me. And I was kept awake by images of planes into buildings or a car filling with rushing flood waters. I used to be crippled with fear as she would press play over and over again on these videos that I just wanted to stop seeing. And over time I learned how to hit the pause button. Much to Anxiety's disgust I gained that talent. But much to her appreciation, life is always full of moments that can change everything. And just over four and a half months ago I had one of those moments. Anxiety has been incredibly happy and active ever since.

In that time she has made it incredibly difficult for me to go into a public place and not be on edge looking at all doorways and obsessively watching the people inside. She has made me jumpy and antsy. She has brought her squad along with Insomnia and Claus spending all their time with me and Agitation coming by more often than the welcome mat insinuated. What some people would consider "normal" reactions for some are far from "normal" with me. And in an attempt to coexist with Anxiety I realized that in the past few months she has taken over. She pulled a complete Captain Phillips and at some point looked at me and said, "I'm the Captain now." And without fighting it I turned myself over to her. In doing so I have created more of those guest appearances by a "Problem That Never Needed to be in Existence" than I would like to admit. I have hurt friendships and I have hurt family members. As quick as I am to be the first to run to an emergency exit now at the slightest sound I am also quick to jumping to conclusions. With every fiery temper tantrum Anxiety throws I pacify her with "no I think you're right the fact that they're deliberately ignoring me for no apparent reason means they're mad" and "I know this means I am only going to get 3 hours of sleep but I will humor you will going through all the ways that could have gone wrong- do you want it alphabetized too?" When presented with a simple yes or no question most people would say if I go this way it is a "yes" and if I go this way then it is a "no." But with Anxiety at the helm of this hijacked ship my line from A to B is about four lines, a circle, a polygon, 3 loops and one backward arrow.

Rooms seem smaller. Noises seem louder. Colors seem duller. And I'm beyond exhausted trying to pacify her tantrums and irrationality. But all of that pales in comparison when you see what the insecurity that Anxiety drapes you in- like a weighted blanket- is doing to those that you love. To your family and friends that feel like they need to walk on egg shells around you for fear of hurting your feelings or disturbing the peace. I wish there was a way that every morning when I woke up, like a forecast, I could announce to family and friends what the day had in store.

"We're looking at a great day. Very little cloud coverage and plenty of sun. It will be a beautiful day to be outside. Temps look to be in the low 80s and Kristen's Anxiety Scale is coming in at about a 2.1 today. Stellar day. Make things happen y'all." 

"We're looking at another Springtime Day here in Texas folks. Watch out. The sun may be shining but at any time it could go behind a cloud and there could be historic storms. We're looking at temps ranging anywhere from 28 to 110 degrees with astronomical pollen count and Kristen's Anxiety Scale registering at a whopping 9.8, y'all. Yeah, she's going to be impossible today. Grab your umbrella, mittens, sunscreen and steer clear of the brunette wondering if the Barista is mad at her because she took too long to find her debit card in the drive thru." 

I wish that predictive forecast was an option but it's not. And in no way am I writing this post with the intention of condoning any behaviors I might have exhibited or words that may have been exchanged that didn't make sense. Quite the contrary. I'm laying it all out there so you can see my vulnerability and know I want to make a change. That I want to silence Anxiety as much as you want me to "normal." And I write this in hopes that maybe it will help someone else who tries to explain Anxiety to their friends and family but can't find the words to piece together to do it. Take my words. Take my advice.

Take my stories and my reality because there is a reason that I have spent my life side by side with this Not-So-Imaginary Imaginary Friend...  Maybe my ability to personify her will be enough to pacify her. And if not perhaps my words will be enough to make someone else understand that they're not alone... that they're not crazy... and that we're in this thing together.

Or not. You don't have to be in this with me. I don't want to bother you or inconvenience you in any way. You don't have to come along. You do you. Don't be mad. I'm sorry.