Friday, September 28, 2012

"I Know You Are, But What Am I?"

I always had this preconceived notion that upon reaching the age of about 18 the kids that taunted you on the playground, put gum in your hair or the football player in high school who just couldn't leave you alone as you waddled through the hallways would somehow grow out of it. I believed that these "bullies" or as I refer to these people now, "asshats" (and in worse case scenarios, "assclowns") would wake up one morning, realized they sucked at life and change their ways. They would realize the lack of love they received from Mommy or Daddy or their predisposition to some kind of mental illness would be remedied. Alas, like most things I thought as a child (including but not limited to: Santa Claus, Rainbow Brite, The Tanner Family and Cory and Topanga), my theory is not real.

What brings about this resurgence of the bully-theory, you ask? (Or maybe you didn't ask but I'm answering the question anyway...) In the past month, without any provocation on my end, I have, at the ripe old age of 28 been picked on. And, as is the trend for most of my life, the insult on hand? My weight. Were these children poking fun at me and making comments out of pure innocence of not knowing why God creates different body types? Unfortunately no. In those situations, I simply tell the child the whole story as to how God created me and made me perfect in his eyes and then I passively refuse to let them have dessert. Adults on the other hand... There's not much you can say to them except look on in sheer disbelief and wonder what is so wrong in their life that they would use you as their own personal form of entertainment.

The first incident came while I was sprinting in the parking lot of my apartment complex. A man in the building next to mine (who we shall refer to as Bubba because the sleeveless shirt and can of beer really helps with the image) decided to yell out to me after my set of sprints were finished. Did he ask me if I needed water? No. Did he ask if I needed an inhaler? No. He made me take my headphones out to simply hear him say, "You book it for a big girl." To which my inner Christina Aguilera came out and I shouted back, "And you talk real big to compensate for smaller things, huh?"  What was the point of that comment? What was the point of intentionally calling me out while I huffed and puffed to GET in shape while he chugged a Budweiser (notice the "light" was left off there)? Well Mr. Owl... the world may never know.

The second incident came the other day downtown on Broadway where I was standing outside of the ice cream shop holding both my cone and another's cone while they were in the bathroom inside. Was I double-fisting? No, because I am trying to gain self-control and not eat other people's food. Apparently that's frowned upon in today's society. But a man, who I did not know, had no intention of speaking to or even previously made eye contact with walked up to me, looked me up and down, pointed to the ice cream and said, "Do you really need both of those? Fat ass." I could have thrown my ice cream at him but I wouldn't want to waste a perfectly good sugar concoction. So I just yelled an expletive (sorry Momma) up the sidewalk to him as he walked away reveling in his insult and patting his sorry self on the back.

Folks... when you leave the plastic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunch boxes behind, start driving a car, pay rent, lose the acne, and have your braces removed there's one little thing you need to throw in there as well: Shut the hell up. If a damn bunny can understand the simple saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all"- I'm pretty sure a grown man can comprehend the same thing.  I know that they weren't saying those things "because they liked me" or "they wanted my attention." They truly and without a doubt suck at life. What I don't understand is how in today's society adults still find it necessary to act in such a way. What satisfaction is gained from calling a complete stranger a "fat ass." You know nothing about them. And you certainly don't have the right to come anywhere near my ice cream cone or make me turn my ipod off to hear your remarks.

I believe that men (and women) who insult complete strangers do so because their life is so incredible sad that the only enjoyment they get is through the pain of others. But there is something that I have learned after years and years of bullying: Sticks and stones my break my bones, but I can still pick them up and beat the hell out of you with them. The Lord knows I'm not perfect. But I would never go up to another person and deliberately insult them. Would I have tried to steal the other ice cream cone? Yes, yes I would have. But I would have called myself a "fat ass" and ran away with the cone.

So to all the assclowns out there that have something to say to me about my waistline or the number on a scale I say to you this: If that's what makes you happy then you need to find a new hobby. I'd say move onto someone else and make fun of them but that just continues the cycle. If you're eternally a middle school kid taunting the ugly ducklings, that's your problem not mine. I'm fat and fabulous... and I do book it for a big girl, Bubba. And damn it Broadway Bully... I could eat two ice cream cones if I wanted to without blinking an eye. You should have stuck around to watch. But you didn't have it in you, did ya?


Timothy O'Hare said...

In order to age out of a behavior, the person must continue to age. It's kind of sad really, you can't help but feel bad for their disability. To be stuck at the intellectual level of a high school sophomore must be difficult for them. Imagine all of the hardships they must face; not understanding the adult jokes in Disney movies, not being able to understand why they can't jump on the bed. The world must be a scary place for them. I guess you have to just give them a "bless your heart" and then have their car towed for double parking in your apartment complex. It's the only right thing to do.

Joanne OHare said...

Unfortunately this world continues to have people who grow up with no morals. What I have noticed is the behavior is learned at an early age by example,that being there parents. When they get older they feel good making others feel bad. You are a stronger person for all you have endured growing up. What I see is someone who teaches the children she knows in her life the proper way to treat other human beings, and that we are all beautiful in Gods eyes:-) Love you Momma

Kristen Marie said...

I guess we were just raised right and know what it means to treat people with respect, kindness, dignity and a good dose of sarcasm to let them know: You suck at life but I won't give you the satisfaction of hearing it from me. Thanks guys :)