Thursday, February 10, 2011

I Think Mr. Right Ran Off to be With Prince Charming....

As a child, I was inundated with Disney fairytales and stories of "happily ever after." Even to this day, watching Beauty and the Beast melts my heart as I relate to the nerdy, brunette outcast just looking to love her Dad and be a good person, while occasionally talking to teapots and ottomans.

But the older I get, and the more judgmental looks I get at Disneyworld while eating at Princess Tea's, the more I am starting to think that fairytales DON'T come true and that Walt Disney was a liar. Perhaps the talking Mouse and Duck should have given it away, but I was open to some leniency in that department. A guy needs a mascot right? But he went too far with the princesses, and this "princess lover" is about to take a second look at what was really going on.

So, we have Sleeping Beauty. She turns 16, doesn't listen to what's she told to do and then falls into a death sleep. What wakes her up? Oh, some random prince walking by who decides to kiss a woman he doesn't really know that's in a coma. That prince must have been spending time in the Seven Dwarf's hood, because while Snow White is lying DEAD in a glass coffin, Prince Charming walks on up and decides "My, what a wonderful dead girl. Let me passionately make out with it!" Then there's Ariel who disobeys her father and her crab then drags her friends along for trouble so that she can see a man who is completely out of her reach (hell, he's a different species!). She only gets to be with him because her Daddy makes it so by giving her legs (and, point of contention: How did she get so much body to her hair UNDER the water?) Let's jump to Jasmine, who walked around in skimpy clothes and allowed a homeless thief to come into her mansion without her father's approval, sneaking out for joy rides on a carpet that "magically" flies. Ha! And let's not forget Cinderella. Here is a girl who has birds bathe her, mice make dresses for her, and a good, steady job with a roof over her head. She has to go and get an old woman to turn her into something she's not and then is a klutz and leaves her shoe behind without even telling the man she was just canoodling with what her name is.

Oh, and my beloved Belle? Here is a smart, intelligent, brunette beauty who has a man chasing after her but decides: No, I won't settle. (yay!) But then, the next guy she meets, even though he is rude, obnoxious and vicious to her, she has to go and fall in love with him. He only wanted her because he was on a deadline... He would have settled for one of Gaston's blushing blondes just the same. And he used his broken tea cup as bait. While giving her a library has always been something I found romantic, I view it now just as a means of getting rid of a room he rarely used in the first place. Might as well have just slipped this chick a ruffie.

So. The moral of this rant? I have been duped. I have been told that there is such a thing as "happily ever after" and "prince charming" and have been lead to believe that if I am nice enough and "fair enough in my heart" my kitchen appliances will come to life and my pets may actually start talking to me. (Um, that only happens when I take an Oxycontin with Jack D. instead of water).

After tonight, where I unsuccessfully entered the dating world one more time, I realize that all of these Princesses that I have idolized, read about, sung along with and even dressed up as for Halloween (and maybe just for my own personal enjoyment) are nothing more than phony, forgetful, ungrateful, reckless, rebellious skinny bi**hes and drama queens. In all instances, the Prince came looking FOR HER. That's not the way it works kids. Not in 2011. I learned tonight that in order to find someone to date that is actually decent, you may have to start paying. Because when you start looking to date someone at this age, it normally means there's a reason why he is still single.

So while Belle, Ariel, Cinderella and Jasmine cuddle up fireside with their Prince's tonight, I sit wondering what exactly I am doing wrong through this whole course of events in the "dating world." Is the only way to find Mr. Right by wearing a seashell bra, losing my clothing, being locked in a dungeon, then sleeping in a casket in the middle of the woods surrounded by mourning midgets? If that's the game that leads to a happy ending, I don't want to play...

But I sure as hell won't pass up a free meal either.