Wednesday, June 2, 2010

People Say I Have Too Many Fears.... They Could Be Onto Something

It is no secret that I have been a coward when it comes to various things that do not affect other people in the slightest way. Did you sit down and watch The Wizard of Oz with a smile on your face and having a sing-along? I didn't. I covered my eyes and screamed for mercy at the first sight of Judy Garland and her ruby slippers. That is truly one of the most frightening, unnecessary movies ever made. And please, do not get me started on the emotional turmoil that I underwent when watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nothing good can come from a movie where little orange men make candy. Nothing.

The list of fears is long and detailed. It is random to some, but makes perfect sense to me: Open-backed staircases, small white dogs, seafood, Larry King, scales (and the process of standing on one), heights, dwarfs (Little People, Big World=Horror Show), spiders, men in Speedos, burning myself with a chi, cars that are on hydraulics, people who wear the ear hole earrings in their lobes, people with red hair, people who wear fanny packs, anyone who participates in a Mosh Pit, driving in the rain, sport Mascots and their half time shenanigans, someone being in my backseat when I start my car in the dark, Pillsbury discontinuing Funfetti Whipped Frosting, children with runny noses/say their tummy hurt/are bleeding/sneeze in my general vicinity, vanity license plates, argyle socks, the smell of Indian food, Lady Gaga, and although the list continues, I will just add one more: Democrats.

Just when I thought the list couldn't get any longer, I came upon something absolutely horrifying while channel surfing. Upon landing on TLC, I saw images that will forever haunt my mind, and no it was not dinner time at the Gosselin house. It was a bunch of little 4-year old girls dressed in false teeth, false hair, and poofy dresses dancing around and blowing kisses to grown male judges. Does anyone see a problem with this? Is anyone else disturbed that not only are these girls walking on a stage looking like a young Tammy Faye Baker Barbie Doll, but there is actually a TV show that promotes this insanity? TLC should be ashamed of themselves. And the mom's that encourage their daughters to fake tan, wear dentures, go through 2 cans of aqua net in one sitting, and wear a dress that only Shirley Temple could have pulled off 60 years ago should be imprisoned as Child Services is called to the scene.

I believe a new special should come about because of this little "Tiara, Whatever" circus that I unfortunately happened upon. If Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC: To Catch A Predator joined forces with the audience of these pageants, I think we could be onto something. The first person to have to sit down and talk to Mr. Hansen? The creep-ass emcee who sings "Pretty Little Angel" while wearing a huge smile and prancing around on stage. He is not to be outdone by the random man with a pen, legal pad and chair at the judge's table who is giving one too many winks to Cindy Lou Who up on stage shaking her "thang" to "All the Single Ladies."

I object to this television show. I object to this behavior. I object to stage mom's and the pageant scene all together. But like a car crash on the shoulder of the road, you just can't help not taking your eyes off the horror and blatant disaster staring directly at you. I am billing TLC for this hour of my life back as well as the bill my shrink will send me after our "I'm afraid of tiny, fake beauty princesses" session.