Tuesday, February 3, 2009

If Jessica is Fat, then I belong in Seaworld!

Alright folks.

I am getting just about sick and tired of hearing about how "fat" Jessica Simpson has gotten. Even President Obama mentioned her apparent "weight battle" in an interview Sunday night. Seriously? You wear one pair of high waisted jeans and get an unflattering camera angle and BAM!- all of a sudden you are Mama Cass.

First things first. There are some good indicators of when a person is "fat." Let's see if Ms. Simpson fits into any of these.

1.) Muffin Top- The effect when you have too much middle to actually fit within your pants and therefore your middle overflows from the top of your jeans creating a muffin-like effect. There is no extra Jessica hanging out over the pants making me crave a nice lemon poppy seed muffin.

2.) The stage is warped- From the looks of this photo, and the several hundred others circulating the mass media right now, the stage seems to be sturdy and the support beams seem to be holding up Jessica's weight just fine. I see absolutely no buckling.

3.) Sweat- It's a known fact that fat people sweat when they perform. Have you watched Meatloaf lately? He needs electrolytes half way through the first part of the show! It does not seem to me that Jessica needs Gatorade thrown her way any time soon... or a towel.

4.) Gravitational Pull- Most large people have their own ability to have objects orbit around them with their own gravitational pull. Planets are just one example for instance. I see nothing floating or orbiting around the center of Ms. Simpson. Well, I see a really cute Fendi Leopard belt but that's besides the point. The microphone stand is not circumnavigating her naval so I assume she is fine.

5.) Crumbs- I am not one to judge, but most large people have crumbs either on their shirt, Cheetos stained fingers or at least a few Oreo dust patches on the sides of their mouth. Jessica seems to be quite clean. Either she had a wet nap handy, or she knows when to keep her hand out of the cookie jar and the bag of chips.

So the conclusion this plus size girl makes: Jessica is not FAT! Stop calling her that, and stop making it the number one headline on all the news stations and magazines. There are more important things to worry about... like the economic stimulus package. Or the conflict in the Middle East. Or even if Brangelina are adopting another homeless orphan from Uzbekistan.

Sorry Jessica. You may be dumb as a stump, but you are not fat. If you're fat, then I need my own TLC special for the amazingly obese woman! And I am just not ready for that...

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