Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Diet Pills... Not for the Hypochondriac!

Losing weight has never been an easy task for me. Or anyone else for that matter besides the Olsen twins. I have tried everything from the dreaded Cayenne approach that left my poor office mate praying for the day to be over so she could "evacuate" the area, to eating just fiber bars which pretty much had the same effect. No matter what I do, I wake up in the middle of the night with no recollection of how the pop tart wrappers are under the covers, the sheets are covered in crumbs, and my mouth as a sweet cinnamon swirl aftertaste. I cheat in my sleep and I am ashamed of my actions.

So yesterday, while in Wal-Mart I decided to look at some diet pills. You know, the usual products that reduce your appetite, curve your cravings (who doesn't crave being put in a bathtub of cake frosting and eating herself out?), and speed up your metabolism. There was an entire aisle dedicated to this stuff! Pills, potions, liquid shots, powders, soaps that "wash away your cellulite," and other mind numbing concoctions. All I wanted was an appetite suppressant so I wasn't tempted to eat my cat at 9pm when the hunger pangs set in.

I read the labels for everything. This one causes minor "stomach irritation" which, when translated, means I would spend the entire day in the bathroom. Another one warned that hallucinations may occur if the pills are taken too close together. Frankly, I am crazy enough to introduce a diet pill that causes me to see Abe Lincoln and Puxatony Phil in my kitchen. Then there was the one on sale (ding ding ding!) that caught my attention. Warning label read: "Chocking Hazard- Take this product with adequate fluid as it may cause your throat or esophagus to swell and block proper air flow. Chocking will result and potentially death."

No I did not spell choking wrong... that's how it was on the bottle. Strike one. And a pill that will result in my esophagus closing shut because I didn't drink enough water to get it down? Strike two. Just standing there in the aisle reading the warning label made my throat start to feel as if it was closing. I put the box back on the shelf and bid farewell to the potential magic potions and powders that would instantly shed 20 pounds off my body in 48 hours.

I am now back to waking up with crumbs on my pillow, and wondering, like the reaction after a regretted one-night stand when you can't remember the name of the man laying next to you, I am plagued by the question: "What flavor was that pop tart anyway?" Shameful.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

If Jessica is Fat, then I belong in Seaworld!

Alright folks.

I am getting just about sick and tired of hearing about how "fat" Jessica Simpson has gotten. Even President Obama mentioned her apparent "weight battle" in an interview Sunday night. Seriously? You wear one pair of high waisted jeans and get an unflattering camera angle and BAM!- all of a sudden you are Mama Cass.

First things first. There are some good indicators of when a person is "fat." Let's see if Ms. Simpson fits into any of these.

1.) Muffin Top- The effect when you have too much middle to actually fit within your pants and therefore your middle overflows from the top of your jeans creating a muffin-like effect. There is no extra Jessica hanging out over the pants making me crave a nice lemon poppy seed muffin.

2.) The stage is warped- From the looks of this photo, and the several hundred others circulating the mass media right now, the stage seems to be sturdy and the support beams seem to be holding up Jessica's weight just fine. I see absolutely no buckling.

3.) Sweat- It's a known fact that fat people sweat when they perform. Have you watched Meatloaf lately? He needs electrolytes half way through the first part of the show! It does not seem to me that Jessica needs Gatorade thrown her way any time soon... or a towel.

4.) Gravitational Pull- Most large people have their own ability to have objects orbit around them with their own gravitational pull. Planets are just one example for instance. I see nothing floating or orbiting around the center of Ms. Simpson. Well, I see a really cute Fendi Leopard belt but that's besides the point. The microphone stand is not circumnavigating her naval so I assume she is fine.

5.) Crumbs- I am not one to judge, but most large people have crumbs either on their shirt, Cheetos stained fingers or at least a few Oreo dust patches on the sides of their mouth. Jessica seems to be quite clean. Either she had a wet nap handy, or she knows when to keep her hand out of the cookie jar and the bag of chips.

So the conclusion this plus size girl makes: Jessica is not FAT! Stop calling her that, and stop making it the number one headline on all the news stations and magazines. There are more important things to worry about... like the economic stimulus package. Or the conflict in the Middle East. Or even if Brangelina are adopting another homeless orphan from Uzbekistan.

Sorry Jessica. You may be dumb as a stump, but you are not fat. If you're fat, then I need my own TLC special for the amazingly obese woman! And I am just not ready for that...

Monday, February 2, 2009

What the... ?

I'll make this short. But I just found this headline from the newspaper of the town my parent's live in:

St. J Receives Grant To Study Crosswalks

A grant?
Taxpayer's dollars?
What the %@^$&@?

Let me do the study for you:

1. They are on the street.
2. They have lines.
3. People walk across them.

Study complete.

Thanks Big Government!