Monday, January 26, 2009


Every person for their New Year's Resolution (with the exception of the Olsen twins I am sure) makes a vow to lose weight during the year. You resign to the fact that your nightly indulgences of whipped vanilla frosting for a snack and eating a jelly donut for breakfast (jelly= 1 serving of fruit in my opinion) are a thing of the past. Your eating regiment now includes lots of fiber, pieces of cardboard disguised as edible food, copious amounts of water, and a new love affair with 100-calorie packs. (Tip for the weak- just because they are 100 calorie pack snacks does not mean you can eat 4 of them in one sitting. Believe me, I learned the hard way).

There's the South Beach Diet, the Akai Berry Diet, the "flush your system diet," the Hollywood Beach diet, Atkins, the Zone Diet, the cabbage soup diet (ew, the smell reminds me of my youth), Beyonce's Paprika and Lemon Juice for 1 month cleansing diet, and the good ole' standby: starvation. I like to mix things up a bit, but it's hard when you don't like to eat meat and the thought of drinking nothing but Lemon Juice for a month makes you want to eat a bagel just for good measure.

So I was perusing the aisles of Walmart the other day looking for "Green Tea Supplements" which my friend Jeni swears will increase your metabolism if taken regularly. When I found them, I saw that they were $6.99 a bottle!!! But other "metabolic stimulants" were available and that's where I found Cayenne tablets for only $1.99. The directions say to take three tablets throughout the day and your metabolism will increase dramatically helping you burn more calories and stay fuller longer. MIRACLE WORK at a CHEAP PRICE! Sold!!

Now I sit here drinking my water, eating my fiber bars, dining on Lean Cuisines, and consuming my three tablets of Cayenne pepper a day. I have not been this uncomfortable, miserable or have such disdain for skinny people in a very long time. Mount Vesuvius has taken residence in my throat, my skin burns red with the heat of the constant flow of cayenne pepper throughout my ststem, and at times I think I hear voices from the hunger that sets in around 3 o'clock. All of this agony, pain, discomfort and burning for what- A smaller size in pants? The ability to go through a revolving door without getting stuck? To look in the mirror after a shower and not scream because I think Jabba the Hudd is in the room with me when it's really my own reflection?

You bet your sweet ass. Cayenne anyone?

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