Monday, January 26, 2009

Cayenne

Every person for their New Year's Resolution (with the exception of the Olsen twins I am sure) makes a vow to lose weight during the year. You resign to the fact that your nightly indulgences of whipped vanilla frosting for a snack and eating a jelly donut for breakfast (jelly= 1 serving of fruit in my opinion) are a thing of the past. Your eating regiment now includes lots of fiber, pieces of cardboard disguised as edible food, copious amounts of water, and a new love affair with 100-calorie packs. (Tip for the weak- just because they are 100 calorie pack snacks does not mean you can eat 4 of them in one sitting. Believe me, I learned the hard way).

There's the South Beach Diet, the Akai Berry Diet, the "flush your system diet," the Hollywood Beach diet, Atkins, the Zone Diet, the cabbage soup diet (ew, the smell reminds me of my youth), Beyonce's Paprika and Lemon Juice for 1 month cleansing diet, and the good ole' standby: starvation. I like to mix things up a bit, but it's hard when you don't like to eat meat and the thought of drinking nothing but Lemon Juice for a month makes you want to eat a bagel just for good measure.

So I was perusing the aisles of Walmart the other day looking for "Green Tea Supplements" which my friend Jeni swears will increase your metabolism if taken regularly. When I found them, I saw that they were $6.99 a bottle!!! But other "metabolic stimulants" were available and that's where I found Cayenne tablets for only $1.99. The directions say to take three tablets throughout the day and your metabolism will increase dramatically helping you burn more calories and stay fuller longer. MIRACLE WORK at a CHEAP PRICE! Sold!!

Now I sit here drinking my water, eating my fiber bars, dining on Lean Cuisines, and consuming my three tablets of Cayenne pepper a day. I have not been this uncomfortable, miserable or have such disdain for skinny people in a very long time. Mount Vesuvius has taken residence in my throat, my skin burns red with the heat of the constant flow of cayenne pepper throughout my ststem, and at times I think I hear voices from the hunger that sets in around 3 o'clock. All of this agony, pain, discomfort and burning for what- A smaller size in pants? The ability to go through a revolving door without getting stuck? To look in the mirror after a shower and not scream because I think Jabba the Hudd is in the room with me when it's really my own reflection?

You bet your sweet ass. Cayenne anyone?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Boy Talk with a 5 year old

As many of you are aware, I spend more time with children under the age of 8 than I do with people my own age. Therefore, my social skills are not only lacking but are starting to take a quick nose dive into conversations of Princesses and more importantly, that using the potty means you are a big girl!

Recently, I had the privilege to spend my Saturday night with a 5-year old to sit down and have a one-on-one serious conversation about men. I think it was necessary and I gained much knowledge....

Leighton: So, how old are you?

Tin-Tin (me): 24

Leighton: Wow!! How old is your husband?

Tin-Tin-: I don't have a husband.

Leighton: Do you have a boyfriend?

Tin-Tin: Nope. I am single. I live alone with just my cats. (cue onset of depression and self-pity)

Leighton: Did you have a boyfriend? I mean, you're old!

Tin-Tin (resisting the urge to engage in, "i know you are but what am i" tactics): I did have a boyfriend but he was mean.

Leighton: Did you kill him? Is he dead?

Tin-Tin (laughing, because she is not far from the truth of my almost-course of action): No, he's not dead. We just broke up.

Leighton (looking so very confused): Well, I'm 5 and I have a boyfriend.

Tin-Tin (saying woo-freakity-hoo under my breath): Wow, that's cool. Is he cute?

Leighton: Boys aren't cute. Ew. They just do things you tell them too and sit next to you at lunch. I had another boyfriend but he ate worms and that's gross. Boys are gross. But you're old and that means you should have a husband.

Tin-Tin (omg, she's my mother in miniature form!!!): Well, I will find a boyfriend one day. Just have to wait for him to come along.

Leighton: But you're old. You don't have a lot of time to wait. You need to look NOW!

Tin-Tin (really???): I do huh? Well, will you help me? Do you know of anyone I can date?

Leighton (looking inquisitive): Well, I know a guy but he is getting married to a really pretty girl. She likes football. You should like football too- boys like that. Oh! There is a boy in my class but he only likes Star Wars stuff and says he is going to marry his mom.

Tin-Tin (thinking to myself- if she only knew that nothing changes in the real world honey!)

Leighton: Oh!! Do you like Mexican food?

Tin-Tin (where is she going with this.. maybe she knows someone who runs a restaurant and is single. I love Mexican food! I could meet this guy, we could totally hit it off and we could be running a chain of Mexican food joints together and live happily ever after!!! This girl could be onto something! *gaining composure*) Yes, why?

Leighton: Because you could marry a Taco!

*** And people wonder why I own so many self-help books!!! My "girls-nights" include sippy cups and conversations about boys that eat worms and pull pigtails during silent reading. But then again.... I do like Tacos.***