Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Diet Pills... Not for the Hypochondriac!


Losing weight has never been an easy task for me. Or anyone else for that matter besides the Olsen twins. I have tried everything from the dreaded Cayenne approach that left my poor office mate praying for the day to be over so she could "evacuate" the area, to eating just fiber bars which pretty much had the same effect. No matter what I do, I wake up in the middle of the night with no recollection of how the pop tart wrappers are under the covers, the sheets are covered in crumbs, and my mouth as a sweet cinnamon swirl aftertaste. I cheat in my sleep and I am ashamed of my actions.


So yesterday, while in Wal-Mart I decided to look at some diet pills. You know, the usual products that reduce your appetite, curve your cravings (who doesn't crave being put in a bathtub of cake frosting and eating herself out?), and speed up your metabolism. There was an entire aisle dedicated to this stuff! Pills, potions, liquid shots, powders, soaps that "wash away your cellulite," and other mind numbing concoctions. All I wanted was an appetite suppressant so I wasn't tempted to eat my cat at 9pm when the hunger pangs set in.


I read the labels for everything. This one causes minor "stomach irritation" which, when translated, means I would spend the entire day in the bathroom. Another one warned that hallucinations may occur if the pills are taken too close together. Frankly, I am crazy enough to introduce a diet pill that causes me to see Abe Lincoln and Puxatony Phil in my kitchen. Then there was the one on sale (ding ding ding!) that caught my attention. Warning label read: "Chocking Hazard- Take this product with adequate fluid as it may cause your throat or esophagus to swell and block proper air flow. Chocking will result and potentially death."


No I did not spell choking wrong... that's how it was on the bottle. Strike one. And a pill that will result in my esophagus closing shut because I didn't drink enough water to get it down? Strike two. Just standing there in the aisle reading the warning label made my throat start to feel as if it was closing. I put the box back on the shelf and bid farewell to the potential magic potions and powders that would instantly shed 20 pounds off my body in 48 hours.


I am now back to waking up with crumbs on my pillow, and wondering, like the reaction after a regretted one-night stand when you can't remember the name of the man laying next to you, I am plagued by the question: "What flavor was that pop tart anyway?" Shameful.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

If Jessica is Fat, then I belong in Seaworld!



Alright folks.

I am getting just about sick and tired of hearing about how "fat" Jessica Simpson has gotten. Even President Obama mentioned her apparent "weight battle" in an interview Sunday night. Seriously? You wear one pair of high waisted jeans and get an unflattering camera angle and BAM!- all of a sudden you are Mama Cass.



First things first. There are some good indicators of when a person is "fat." Let's see if Ms. Simpson fits into any of these.

1.) Muffin Top- The effect when you have too much middle to actually fit within your pants and therefore your middle overflows from the top of your jeans creating a muffin-like effect. There is no extra Jessica hanging out over the pants making me crave a nice lemon poppy seed muffin.

2.) The stage is warped- From the looks of this photo, and the several hundred others circulating the mass media right now, the stage seems to be sturdy and the support beams seem to be holding up Jessica's weight just fine. I see absolutely no buckling.

3.) Sweat- It's a known fact that fat people sweat when they perform. Have you watched Meatloaf lately? He needs electrolytes half way through the first part of the show! It does not seem to me that Jessica needs Gatorade thrown her way any time soon... or a towel.

4.) Gravitational Pull- Most large people have their own ability to have objects orbit around them with their own gravitational pull. Planets are just one example for instance. I see nothing floating or orbiting around the center of Ms. Simpson. Well, I see a really cute Fendi Leopard belt but that's besides the point. The microphone stand is not circumnavigating her naval so I assume she is fine.

5.) Crumbs- I am not one to judge, but most large people have crumbs either on their shirt, Cheetos stained fingers or at least a few Oreo dust patches on the sides of their mouth. Jessica seems to be quite clean. Either she had a wet nap handy, or she knows when to keep her hand out of the cookie jar and the bag of chips.

So the conclusion this plus size girl makes: Jessica is not FAT! Stop calling her that, and stop making it the number one headline on all the news stations and magazines. There are more important things to worry about... like the economic stimulus package. Or the conflict in the Middle East. Or even if Brangelina are adopting another homeless orphan from Uzbekistan.

Sorry Jessica. You may be dumb as a stump, but you are not fat. If you're fat, then I need my own TLC special for the amazingly obese woman! And I am just not ready for that...

Monday, February 2, 2009

What the... ?

I'll make this short. But I just found this headline from the newspaper of the town my parent's live in:

St. J Receives Grant To Study Crosswalks

A grant?
Taxpayer's dollars?
What the %@^$&@?

Let me do the study for you:

1. They are on the street.
2. They have lines.
3. People walk across them.

Study complete.

Thanks Big Government!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Cayenne

Every person for their New Year's Resolution (with the exception of the Olsen twins I am sure) makes a vow to lose weight during the year. You resign to the fact that your nightly indulgences of whipped vanilla frosting for a snack and eating a jelly donut for breakfast (jelly= 1 serving of fruit in my opinion) are a thing of the past. Your eating regiment now includes lots of fiber, pieces of cardboard disguised as edible food, copious amounts of water, and a new love affair with 100-calorie packs. (Tip for the weak- just because they are 100 calorie pack snacks does not mean you can eat 4 of them in one sitting. Believe me, I learned the hard way).

There's the South Beach Diet, the Akai Berry Diet, the "flush your system diet," the Hollywood Beach diet, Atkins, the Zone Diet, the cabbage soup diet (ew, the smell reminds me of my youth), Beyonce's Paprika and Lemon Juice for 1 month cleansing diet, and the good ole' standby: starvation. I like to mix things up a bit, but it's hard when you don't like to eat meat and the thought of drinking nothing but Lemon Juice for a month makes you want to eat a bagel just for good measure.

So I was perusing the aisles of Walmart the other day looking for "Green Tea Supplements" which my friend Jeni swears will increase your metabolism if taken regularly. When I found them, I saw that they were $6.99 a bottle!!! But other "metabolic stimulants" were available and that's where I found Cayenne tablets for only $1.99. The directions say to take three tablets throughout the day and your metabolism will increase dramatically helping you burn more calories and stay fuller longer. MIRACLE WORK at a CHEAP PRICE! Sold!!

Now I sit here drinking my water, eating my fiber bars, dining on Lean Cuisines, and consuming my three tablets of Cayenne pepper a day. I have not been this uncomfortable, miserable or have such disdain for skinny people in a very long time. Mount Vesuvius has taken residence in my throat, my skin burns red with the heat of the constant flow of cayenne pepper throughout my ststem, and at times I think I hear voices from the hunger that sets in around 3 o'clock. All of this agony, pain, discomfort and burning for what- A smaller size in pants? The ability to go through a revolving door without getting stuck? To look in the mirror after a shower and not scream because I think Jabba the Hudd is in the room with me when it's really my own reflection?

You bet your sweet ass. Cayenne anyone?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Boy Talk with a 5 year old

As many of you are aware, I spend more time with children under the age of 8 than I do with people my own age. Therefore, my social skills are not only lacking but are starting to take a quick nose dive into conversations of Princesses and more importantly, that using the potty means you are a big girl!

Recently, I had the privilege to spend my Saturday night with a 5-year old to sit down and have a one-on-one serious conversation about men. I think it was necessary and I gained much knowledge....

Leighton: So, how old are you?

Tin-Tin (me): 24

Leighton: Wow!! How old is your husband?

Tin-Tin-: I don't have a husband.

Leighton: Do you have a boyfriend?

Tin-Tin: Nope. I am single. I live alone with just my cats. (cue onset of depression and self-pity)

Leighton: Did you have a boyfriend? I mean, you're old!

Tin-Tin (resisting the urge to engage in, "i know you are but what am i" tactics): I did have a boyfriend but he was mean.

Leighton: Did you kill him? Is he dead?

Tin-Tin (laughing, because she is not far from the truth of my almost-course of action): No, he's not dead. We just broke up.

Leighton (looking so very confused): Well, I'm 5 and I have a boyfriend.

Tin-Tin (saying woo-freakity-hoo under my breath): Wow, that's cool. Is he cute?

Leighton: Boys aren't cute. Ew. They just do things you tell them too and sit next to you at lunch. I had another boyfriend but he ate worms and that's gross. Boys are gross. But you're old and that means you should have a husband.

Tin-Tin (omg, she's my mother in miniature form!!!): Well, I will find a boyfriend one day. Just have to wait for him to come along.

Leighton: But you're old. You don't have a lot of time to wait. You need to look NOW!

Tin-Tin (really???): I do huh? Well, will you help me? Do you know of anyone I can date?

Leighton (looking inquisitive): Well, I know a guy but he is getting married to a really pretty girl. She likes football. You should like football too- boys like that. Oh! There is a boy in my class but he only likes Star Wars stuff and says he is going to marry his mom.

Tin-Tin (thinking to myself- if she only knew that nothing changes in the real world honey!)

Leighton: Oh!! Do you like Mexican food?

Tin-Tin (where is she going with this.. maybe she knows someone who runs a restaurant and is single. I love Mexican food! I could meet this guy, we could totally hit it off and we could be running a chain of Mexican food joints together and live happily ever after!!! This girl could be onto something! *gaining composure*) Yes, why?

Leighton: Because you could marry a Taco!

*** And people wonder why I own so many self-help books!!! My "girls-nights" include sippy cups and conversations about boys that eat worms and pull pigtails during silent reading. But then again.... I do like Tacos.***